Salt

Since my dad's death, lyrics from a Jann Arden song has been floating through my brain.

Oh the salt inside my body ruins
Everyone I come close to
My hands are barely
Holding up my head

Although the song ("Hanging by a Thread" from Happy? 1997) starts off sounding like a broken heart love song, it was actually written after Jann and her mother visited Jann's brother in a penitentiary like they did every month. Her mother came out, and said "I'm so tired of looking at my feet".
The image of salty tears and what salt does to various materials creates a stunning mental picture. I felt like I was so deeply sad, that my head was literally too heavy to hold up anymore.

And then. April 4.

I'm so tired of looking at my feet
All the secrets that I keep
My heart is barely hanging 
By a thread.

While I know gender dysphoria is not something that needs to be kept a secret, it was going to have to be, at least for awhile.

Oh look at me,
And all I've done
I've lost so many things 
That I so dearly loved

I've lost my soul
I've lost my pride
Oh I lost any hope of 
Having a sweet life.

So I cry.

So much of my life has not gone how I planned. Broken hearts, broken careers plans, broken dreams. It's all just too much. I wake up every morning and my first thought is "I'm sad". I'm so friggin' sad.