How?

The day after April 4, Megan was at a day long skating workshop with Kurt Browning. Lucy was at school. I spent the morning napping since I had been up all night. Still didn't get much sleep. I was so consumed by grief. And questions.

How? When? Why did we not know? Are we really that bad of parents?

The silence was thick. Even though Hugh was over 200km away, I could feel tension. I sent him a text:

We are so confused. 
You never seemed unhappy, upset about being male. How did a few months of counselling lead to this?
It is such a drastic change that is going to make your life forever difficult. Even buying clothes. What about other gender options?
We just don't understand where this came from. That makes it hard. We don't want you to struggle either way but we just never did know you were.

And I wanted tall mini Hugh grandkids. :(


Although I used "we", Rob and I were on very different emotional rollercoasters. His was anger and fury mostly. He wanted to cut Hugh off his medical plan, cut off financial support, cut him out entirely. I had some anger, I won't deny it. I did not want to be supportive, because I just did not want to have to support something so challenging and controversial. I never asked for this. I knew he needed our support just to survive now. Part of me was saying "you chose this, you deal with it". I know that it's not a choice though. So, I had a lot of turmoil. 

He responded back several long hours later. 

Alright. Well I have been pretty unhappy for a long while now, I've started taking antidepressants to combat this though. I've known about this since I was 13, I've only been going to counselling for a month now. I waited so long because I wanted to wait until I was a grown, consenting adult, and so I could get an actual medical diagnosis to confirm my beliefs. I also didn't know how you guys would react and so I thought it might be a bit better to do it when I'm more independent in life.
I know this will lead to difficulties in my life, but I consider this the path of least resistance and kind of my only option. 
I'm not really sure what you mean by other gender options...
so over the years I guess I've just been good at covering myself up. I'm kind of surprised to hear that you had no idea about anything. I'm sorry this is hard for you guys,it is for me as well, but I just needed to tell you. 

We really had no idea. Although he was not a "man's boy" he was also not a "girly boy". He had no trouble taking off his shirt to go swimming. He never experimented with make up or nails. Yes, his hair was really long, but we thought that was his one way of expressing rebellion, since the growing out phase was rough on his grandparents. What could we have looked for? 

Is it not possible that there are other issues present rather than (seemingly) jumping to transgender? Other reasons for being unhappy? Counselling for a month does not feel like enough to make such a firm decision. How could you be unhappy being male and no one noticed anything? 
What about gender fluidity, being genderless, non-binary...why female? We just don't see it. What about body dysphoria, not gender dysphoria? 
It's a lot to process. 

I don't know if there are other issues in my life, but I know that I am trans. I've had a lot of time to think about it, 5 years, and I've been diagnosed by a doctor. It's not the counselling that convinced me of all this. Would you rather me be non-binary or something rather than being trans? As far as I am aware, I don't have body dysphoria, but I do have gender dysphoria. I know it's a lot to process but I'masking you to work through it. 

I didn't respond for a week. I was working a very stressful substitute teaching job. Life was busy. I was still in shock and grief. I really had nothing more to say at the time. 

Please don't view my lack of response negatively. I've been in a stressful job. This has been a shock. We've been working through anger, disbelief, sadness and feeling like we were betrayed. I'm already in mourning for my dad; no I've lost a son too

A friend told me I should give you some time and space. I know this is a lot for you guys, as it is for me. I haven't gone anywhere, I'm still the same person, I'm just trying to live my best life.

On the Monday, he texted me again:
I think we need to text more and establish a real dialogue. I also want to know your current feelings on the situation and what you want me to do.

"What you want me to do". What?! He already made the choice. He waited till he didn't have to hear what we wanted him to do. So why now is he asking? That made me so mad. I didn't respond. The next day:

Can you text me anything just so I know you guys haven't disowned me?

I responded back that I was at work, he sent a thumbs up, and then eight hours later:

I feel like you've been ignoring me.

No shit, really? How do you think we've been feeling this year when you slam your dorm room door and don't let us in? When you don't call home ever, even when we've called and left you a message? We had been feeling pushed away this year.

I have been working some stressful jobs. It feels like you disowned us. You waited until you were an adult so we couldn't tell you what to do. So we won't.
Do you have a job lined up? That is most important right now.

I didn't wait until I was an adult so you couldn't tell me what to do. I waited because I wanted to make sure this wasn't all just a phase. I waited because I didn't want this to be actually true. I waited because I know how many kids are disowned and kicked out. I waited because I felt like I could never talk to you guys about anything. I waited because I'm afraid of showing emotions and I'm afraid of change.

So. In other words. We failed as parents. We tried to always be encouraging and open, though Rob made it clear that he has high expectations, and very conservative views. I always wanted an open dialogue but my kids just never seemed to want it too.

I don't think it's helpful for us to hide behind lengthy, proofread paragraphs with quipy, passive aggressive remarks. I think we need to speak plainly with one another.


If nothing at all, these last two posts confirm that he is my child, linguistically anyway.

On Saturday, we have to go pick him up. I'm afraid. I want Lucy to come, to act as a buffer. I told Hugh he had to tell his sisters himself. We noticed that weekend that she was quiet and on her phone a lot, but we asked if she's heard from Hugh lately and she said "Not really". Does she know? I'm just so afraid. Do I ignore the changes and just act like he's Hugh? How do I not cry? What if Rob gets angry? He's still not sure if he wants him home for the summer. He is so close to disowning him, but I think he knows that's not really realistic.