One Month

Hugh's been home two weeks. He mainly sleeps, watches some hockey games, and goes out with a few friends. He wanted to "have a talk" but this is a really busy time right now.

It's still very rough.

I go through every emotion possible, within minutes.

It's just the outside package. The girls went through puberty. So why am I so uneasy? Am I supposed to take him bra shopping?

His voice. So deep. There's no way it can pass as female. Will it change?

I say, "it's his life, it shouldn't be an issue for me" but then immediately get mad at all the awkwardness this will put us through.

"Why should I care what others are thinking"? I know. Really, I don't usually care. So why now?

I really thought his adulthood, becoming a cool and unique adult human, was going to be our reward for the early challenges. Didn't we go through enough already?! Why are we being put through this?

I hear him hanging out with the girls. I had told him he had to tell them himself. They've never said anything to me. Surely they notice the breasts? They're having a great time. Will it change?

When will he be a woman?

What will his name be? A few times over the years, we've had the common conversation with the kids, "What else did you want to name me/if I had been a boy...". If Hugh had been a girl, he was going to be called Lucy. So. He can't take that! We had also considered Lily or Lillian for Megan but felt the alliteration would be too much. I haven't mentioned this yet, but I have a cousin that is transgender and their chosen name is Lily. So I guess that one's out. His grandmothers' names are also in use in Lucy's middle name. Eileen and Arlene were combined with Ray (Rob's dad's name) to make Raylene. His great grandmother's names are not awesome. Nora (I already have a cousin), Mildred, Rita, and I can't remember Rob's other grandmother's name. Though his mom had a sister named Mildred. So cool how there were names in common on both sides of our families. My great grandmother was Mary. That would be okay. Hugh's middle name is Patrick, after my dad. The only grandchild named after him. Pat could be androgynous, and my favourite aunt was Patricia. She would probably think this was all really cool and brave. We chose Hugh's names for a reason. I don't want him to have a dime-a-dozen random name.

I don't cry as much as I did a month ago. I still do cry though. I'm just trying to move on and go with the flow. I don't really know what the flow is though.